Tuesday, March 24, 2009

My "Why?"

I have been thinking a lot about my reasons for exploring, and living, polyamory. I think it's important to be introspective about something that figures so large in my life, and impacts and affects so many. Polyamory is not for the faint of heart. Sometimes I wonder why people are crazy enough to attempt to live this way. And I've wondered that about myself. But I have reasons, some of which are mundane, some of which are certainly not.

Here are my reasons, my, "Whys?"

Not because I'm horny. I'm no where near horny enough to go through the challenges I face pursuing this life just for sex. If I was after sex, I'd be a swinger.

Not because I'm unhappy with my relationship. If I was unhappy with my relationship, I'd work on making it happier.

Not because I'm bored with my life in general or need something to fill my time. My life is full and happy already. I have a hard time as it is figuring out how to make time to accomplish the things I want to accomplish.

Not because I'm looking for someone to replace May. May is and will continue to be the central person in my life, my soul mate and life partner. I'm looking to add and enrich, not subtract.

But, because I believe that connections between people are beautiful, sacred things, and denying them coming into existence is a loss. It is a lost opportunity to learn and love more deeply, and enrich another's life. That lost opportunity means living less. I want to live more.

Because I am not all myself with any one person. There are aspects of myself which cannot be realized or shared with any one person, and being with more than one person allows me to share more aspects of myself and express who I am more wholly. It allows me to experience life more as who I am completely, as opposed to who I am partially.

Because I can imagine a community unlike one that I have ever experienced. A community of friends, lovers, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands and children whose lives are intertwined, nurturing, creating, helping, supporting, talking, drinking, playing, crying, laughing and loving. A community of people who are creating an incredible existence together. A community of people who can and do know me at a level the rest of the world cannot possibly. A family of emotional, intellectual, spiritual and sexual intimates. A family of best friends.

But most importantly, because I have a vision. A premonition, an intuition, a vague, ephemeral sense of somehow knowing where I want to go, but also knowing the destination can only be known by how it feels.

This vision is not so much an idea, but a feeling, a notion of a state of existence that I want to live in. I know how I will feel in this vision. I know what this feeling is, because I have felt it before, so I know it's possible. I have this vision because I have experienced a sense of deep and surrounding love and intimacy with people that has shown me the possibility of the "more" that can exist in my life. This "more" I have to call synergistic love, and it's a love that differs both qualitatively and quantitatively than the love that exists between two people I believe.

A few months ago I went out for dinner with May and her best friend June, who was May's partner for many years, and who continues to love June. I also love June and care a great deal about her. I watched them talk and laugh effortlessly, their deep connection apparent. They were beautiful, both inwardly and outwardly. Time began to slow. I felt the peaceful, knowing love exchanged between them, and felt the love that I had for both of them, too, flow from me to them. This love had no insecurities, no jealousy, no fear or doubts or mistrust. It was innocent, and perfect. Time moved slowly.

I imagined what could exist between the three of us, if some things would be different. We had achieved 2/3 synergy, with only minor elements missing to complete the triangle. And in realizing how close we had come to achieving a truly synergistic triad, and experiencing an overwhelming sense of complete love and the total naturalness of that love and its expression, it took my breathe away.

I felt that feeling that today guides me and propels me forward in hopes of recreating even a part of what I experienced that day. It is my vision and my main Why in pursuing polyamory.

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