Saturday, March 28, 2009

it's not what you think

I had a realization a few months ago, that, while in a polyamorous context, was really a deeper realization about my life and the ideas that I have about the world.

Starting out in polyamory I held a firmly established belief that it would be emotionally very difficult, and prove unworkable very quickly. I held a pretty pessimistic view. I thought is was going to be disastrous, more or less.

But I committed myself to giving it a try. It was something that May wanted deeply, and in the past there have been quite a few major things in our lives that she initiated and I resisted that turned out to be incredibly positive. I have resisted change out of fear, and had been wrong. That knowledge of myself gave me enough to think that there may just be something here.

So six months or so after embarking on this crazy journey, and a few partners later and a bunch of experiences, I realized, "holy shit. I'm actually doing ok. Our relationship is doing ok. It's working. Our relationship hasn't disintegrated, we're both pretty happy, and I am growing as a person as a result."

The realization that I had been completely, absolutely, totally wrong about how being polyamorous wouldn't work for me and our relationship shook me to the core. My expectation and reality were proving to be completely different, and that was incredible.

That realization led me to the epiphany that, if I could be so incredibly wrong about something as major as opening up our relationship to other relationships, then in what other areas of my life could I also be wrong about? What firmly held beliefs or attitudes that lead me to live my life in a certain way might be completely baseless?

I have certain ideas and attitudes about things in my life and preconceived notions about my friends, family, and others in my life. I take certain meanings from conversations that may or may not be true, in the eyes of the person speaking. As human beings we are masters at interpreting and deriving meaning from information. Just that unless we really dig deep, we have no idea if our interpretations are correct.

I realized on a deeper level than before that there are two realities - my formed opinions and intrerpretations about something, and a more objective reality that is hiding behind it.

I realized that day that whatever it is, it's probably not quite what I think. And that is a very calming and reassuring concept, when my mind goes crazy with all the insecurities and doubts that polyamory brings up.

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